Today I went to meet with a therapist to help me get through this Bi-Polar Life, depression, anxiety, rage, mommy issues - and I hated her. Can't even make an appointment with her because she isn't working for the next month. I am feeling very discouraged. I went there hoping for help and instead I got despair. I feel so Blah!
I want to feel better and now I have to find someone else. This is a nightmare!
Heaven
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Day...heck It feels like a lifetime!
You know I really try and be a good mom and person but, sometimes it is just so dang hard. I don't know if I like knowing why I am unbalanced or if it was just better thinking I was a bitch.
I don't want my Bi Polar Disorder to control me - but I think it wants to.
Today I did a temp job (I will fill you in on my job hunt later) and I had a great day. I met my mom and my 2 daughters at the store to do some summer clothes shopping. When I arrive my girls are missbehaving and complaining that there aren't any cute clothes. It makes me SOOOOO mad that I darn near lose it. I tell them as sternly and calmly that they are to look for clothes and get what they get.
That really set me off on a bad tangent. I tried to calm down and just as we were leaving and going to get some dinner my 14 year old daughter proceeds to have an attitude about where we are eating. Now, this is where it gets good. Instead of me behaving like an adult. I tell my mom to take both the girls with her because I don't want to be around them if they are going to whine. I heard it sound just like a 2 year old - "If she's going I'M not" type of attitude.
I don't know if medicine can help this but something really needs to!
Heaven
I don't want my Bi Polar Disorder to control me - but I think it wants to.
Today I did a temp job (I will fill you in on my job hunt later) and I had a great day. I met my mom and my 2 daughters at the store to do some summer clothes shopping. When I arrive my girls are missbehaving and complaining that there aren't any cute clothes. It makes me SOOOOO mad that I darn near lose it. I tell them as sternly and calmly that they are to look for clothes and get what they get.
That really set me off on a bad tangent. I tried to calm down and just as we were leaving and going to get some dinner my 14 year old daughter proceeds to have an attitude about where we are eating. Now, this is where it gets good. Instead of me behaving like an adult. I tell my mom to take both the girls with her because I don't want to be around them if they are going to whine. I heard it sound just like a 2 year old - "If she's going I'M not" type of attitude.
I don't know if medicine can help this but something really needs to!
Heaven
Monday, June 4, 2012
Day 6
So, I am still trying to figure out all that is new and crazy with me. I am feeling very sad still, probably because my old medication is only working at 1/2 tablet strength and I haven't got my new meds in me yet. My husband is really trying to cope with me and my craziness but he doesn't really know how.
At my Dr. visit the Dr. R. asked me who my support system is and I told him my husband and my family - that I don't want to talk to about this - "Do you have any friends?" he asked me and I replied "A few 1 or 2" That is sad in itself. So, I decided to call one of my oldest friends and tell him what is going on with me and he wouldn't talk to me. He has been having issues with his wife, because he contacted an old girlfriend, and somehow it is my fault that he is having problems and is taking it out on me in a bad way.
He text me back 2 hours after I called and was rude about it. I told him that I needed a friend at that "now wasn't a good time". (I was back home with my husband and kids and didn't really want to talk about the issue right then). And then he was a jerk to me. I am beginning to think that he isn't all that great of a friend.
Now what? I only have 3 friends in my life and now one of them is gone. I could probably have more friends if I would pick up the phone and call some of them. I am terrible at keeping in touch. I feel like I am imposing if I call someone - even if they are gracious and want to talk. I am a mess and really need some help!
So, on that note I am going to drink another cup of decaf (yuck!) coffee and then get on with my day.
Heaven
At my Dr. visit the Dr. R. asked me who my support system is and I told him my husband and my family - that I don't want to talk to about this - "Do you have any friends?" he asked me and I replied "A few 1 or 2" That is sad in itself. So, I decided to call one of my oldest friends and tell him what is going on with me and he wouldn't talk to me. He has been having issues with his wife, because he contacted an old girlfriend, and somehow it is my fault that he is having problems and is taking it out on me in a bad way.
He text me back 2 hours after I called and was rude about it. I told him that I needed a friend at that "now wasn't a good time". (I was back home with my husband and kids and didn't really want to talk about the issue right then). And then he was a jerk to me. I am beginning to think that he isn't all that great of a friend.
Now what? I only have 3 friends in my life and now one of them is gone. I could probably have more friends if I would pick up the phone and call some of them. I am terrible at keeping in touch. I feel like I am imposing if I call someone - even if they are gracious and want to talk. I am a mess and really need some help!
So, on that note I am going to drink another cup of decaf (yuck!) coffee and then get on with my day.
Heaven
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Day 1
Today was a good day for me. I met with my new Psychiatrist today. He is very nice and informative. The only thing that I don't like is that he insists that I cut out coffee (caffeine). I am NOT pleased.
I have new medicine to start taking and some suggestions on how to make myself feel better. Not only am I Bi-Polar but I also suffer from depression and anxiety. I know they all kinda go together - but geez isn't 1 thing making me crazy at a time enough?
I was sitting in the waiting room and I was feeling very sad, nervous and a little apprehensive (I come from a family of talk about it for a minute and then deal with it and shrinks aren't real) -I am sure you can understand that. So, I decided to read my devotional on my phone for the day, it is Parenting by Design. I know that didn't really have anything to do with my situation right then but reading it and a few bible verses sure did bring a calm to me that I really needed at that time.
I am a strong Christian, don't attend church as often as I would like, but I have been so down lately that I am looking anywhere and everywhere for help to make me better. If it comes from me, the Bible, a "little blue pill" I am good with that. My husband deserves a better me. My kids deserve a better me. My family deserves a better me. I DESERVE A BETTER ME!
I am hoping that this blog journal will help me on my journey to a better me.
I have new medicine to start taking and some suggestions on how to make myself feel better. Not only am I Bi-Polar but I also suffer from depression and anxiety. I know they all kinda go together - but geez isn't 1 thing making me crazy at a time enough?
I was sitting in the waiting room and I was feeling very sad, nervous and a little apprehensive (I come from a family of talk about it for a minute and then deal with it and shrinks aren't real) -I am sure you can understand that. So, I decided to read my devotional on my phone for the day, it is Parenting by Design. I know that didn't really have anything to do with my situation right then but reading it and a few bible verses sure did bring a calm to me that I really needed at that time.
I am a strong Christian, don't attend church as often as I would like, but I have been so down lately that I am looking anywhere and everywhere for help to make me better. If it comes from me, the Bible, a "little blue pill" I am good with that. My husband deserves a better me. My kids deserve a better me. My family deserves a better me. I DESERVE A BETTER ME!
I am hoping that this blog journal will help me on my journey to a better me.
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